Could I Be Good Enough?
by Invisible Sun
Summary: Finally finished!! Sequel to 'Technology Doesn't Last Forever' Spike's now chip-free. But will he be able to handle it? (S/B)
1. Part One

Could I Be Good Enough?  
by Invisible Sun  
  
Disclaimer: Joss owns all. Darren Hayes, the greatest   
lyricist ever, own the song "Good Enough" from his debut   
CD - "Spin" - a MUST-HAVE. :)  
  
Rating: PG - 13, for now  
  
Keywords: Angst, Romance (S/B)  
  
Summary: Sequel to 'Technology Doesn't Last Forever.'   
Spike's now chip-free. But will he be able to handle it?   
(S/B)  
  
Author's Note: This picks up IMMEDIATELY where   
'Technology...' left off. I recommend reading that first.   
Also, I don't think there are any spoilers....If there is,   
I'll post a warning.  
  
Part 1  
  
Riley turned away from the window and looked at Xander.   
"I should go. Must report to my superior and everything."  
  
Xander nodded. "What will you tell them?"  
  
"I'll tell them the situation's been taken care of."  
  
Riley started to leave.  
  
"We won't be seeing you again, will we?" Xander asked.  
  
Riley shook his head, "No. Buffy's right. I don't have   
the right to be here. My life's not here anymore. It's   
out there. In the jungle." He turned and left quietly   
with no other words.  
  
Xander turned back to the window. Back to Buffy and Spike.   
He was surprised at how calm he was about their apparent   
new relationship. Strange. He shook his head and quietly   
left the couple alone.  
  
  
"How are you feeling?" Buffy whispered, looking at Spike   
with a love he was unaccustomed to.  
  
"I feel like my head's been cracked open," he replied with   
a smirk.  
  
She chuckled, "Well, yeah."  
  
"But, seriously, I...feel fine...a little sore..." he trailed   
off, looking around the room, "Buffy, where the hell am I?"  
  
She smiled, "You're in the hospital."  
  
"Hospital? What the hell am I doing here? Aren't the docs   
going to be a little confused when they check my pulse only   
to find out I don't have one?"  
  
"Riley pulled a few strings. The doctor knows about your...  
special condition."  
  
"Riley?! How the hell did you get Whitebread to help *me*?"  
  
"He wanted me to be happy. And I'm only happy with you,"   
she stated seriously. She looked down at their clasped   
hands. "I came so close to losing you."  
  
"Buffy, love, in all the time you've been trying everything   
you could to get me to leave, I never did. Do you really   
think something so small as a chip is going to make me leave?"  
  
"No...you're right. What was I thinking?"  
  
She smiled and he smiled back.  
  
"So, uh, when do I get to go home?" Spike asked as the door   
opened and Dr. Stapp stepped in.  
  
"I don't know. Why don't you ask the doctor yourself?" Buffy   
said.  
  
"Yeah, Doc. I'm ready to go home now."  
  
"Well, I guess we know there's no brain damage... Although I   
have no idea if you could get brain damage considering the   
fact that you're technically dead," Stapp said.  
  
"That's great, Doc, really. But can I leave now?"  
  
Stapp shrugged his shoulders. "I don't see why not. Your   
body's healing at an extraordinary pace... And, besides, it's   
not like the hospital can do much for you..."  
  
"A'right then," Spike sat up and, swinging his legs over the   
edge of the bed, stood up. Immediately, his knees buckled and   
he started to collapse, but was saved from hitting the ground   
by Buffy.  
  
"Ah, yes. I have forgotten. The chip sent out an electric   
pulse through your brain, rendering your paralyzed, though I'm   
sure you're aware of that. You will be weak for a couple of   
days or so until your body can repair the damage."  
  
Spike nodded as Buffy helped him back to the bed, not liking it   
one bit but accepting it grudgingly.  
  
"I'll have the nurse bring a wheelchair by and you can leave,"   
Dr. Stapp said.  
  
"Thank you, Doctor," Buffy said.  
  
Stapp nodded and left the room in search of the nurse.  
  
Alone, Buffy leaned in and kissed Spike on the lips. He moaned   
as they pulled apart. "Not that I'm complaining, love, but what's   
that for?"  
  
She shrugged, "Just felt like it."  
  
He smiled and they kissed again. She moved to straddle his lap.   
He ran his hands across her back and through her hair.  
  
"Ahem," a voice startled them.  
  
Embarrassed and beet-red, Buffy climbed off Spike's lap as the   
nurse rolled the wheelchair around. Spike just continued to grin   
as he was settled into the chair.  
  
And he was free to leave the hospital.  
  
End Part One  
  
A/N: I know. It's incredibly short. I promise the next part   
will be longer... When will it be up? Can't answer that one... 


	2. Part Two

A/N #1: Okay, sorry for the delay in posting this.   
School things. But now that school's out for the   
year, I should be getting parts up faster...unless,   
of course, I hit a major brick wall...  
br  
A/N #2: I've decided to boost up the rating from   
PG-13 to R as a precaution. It might be a little   
overkill but better safe than sorry.  
  
Part Two  
  
Night had fallen. The dark clouds concealed the   
full moon. In the distance, a lone wolf's howl   
could be heard. Or was it the cry of someone in   
pain? In need? He smelt the fear all around him.   
It bathed his skin. He was stained in it. This fear.   
It filled his nostrils. Ambrosia. It's been a long   
time since he'd been on the hunt.  
  
He froze. He was on the hunt again.   
  
He heard someone clapping. He turned his head.   
Drusilla stood before him, clapping her hands and   
jumping up and down like a little child at Disney   
World, laughing.  
  
"My William is free again. Free to be a killer. A bad   
dog," she purred, moving closer to him. Moving like   
a panther among the trees. Like a predator.  
  
"Don't you hear it calling out to you? The bloodlust.   
It is the fire and you are the moth, drawn to it. Let   
yourself be drawn to it, my William. Let yourself be   
the bad dog again. We can be together again.   
Forever." She faded away as quietly as she came.  
  
Spike looked around. Around this forest he found   
himself in. Nothing but trees.  
  
He heard it before he saw it. The small rustle of   
the low tree branches in front of him. He found   
himself smiling. He could tell from the scent that   
it was the movements of a frightened girl. A lost   
girl. He moved toward her. Her movements stopped   
as she heard him approach. He could hear her heart   
pounding in her chest; her breath coming out in   
heavy pants.  
  
He licked his lips. The hunt was good. Delicious.   
He heard her hesitation before she took off, running   
for what she hoped was safety. He took off after her.   
It didn't take long for him to catch up with her. He   
pounced on her like a predator. She screamed as he   
pulled her head to the side, sinking his fangs into the   
soft, exposed flesh of her jugular.  
  
He relished in the taste of her blood. It'd been so long.   
This, too, was ambrosia. Pig's blood could never taste   
this good. He drank and drank until there was no more.   
And then he released the body and watched it fall to   
the ground with a thud.  
  
And that's when he saw it. That's when he saw the   
face of his victim. Buffy.  
  
  
Spike sat up, gasping. What the hell? He looked around   
and realized he was alone in bed. He shook his head.   
Of course, he was. Why wouldn't he be? Always alone.  
  
He leaned against the head of the bed. Then it struck him.   
Buffy's bed. Of course. She insisted he rest at her place   
until he was capable of walking on his own without collapsing.   
And then, she told him with a smirk, they'd see where to   
go from there. Their new relationship was unfamiliar   
grounds for both of them. Aside from a few heated make-out   
sessions, nothing further had happened. Buffy told him   
she wanted to wait until he was up and walking on his own   
two feet again. That was two days ago. Today it had been   
a week since he came home from that blasted hospital.   
Spike was getting bored. Recovery was happening at a   
slower pace than he would have liked.  
  
He sighed. Bored again. He closed his eyes. Flashes of his   
dream penetrated his thoughts. Ah, the dream. With nothing   
else to do, he grabbed his journal and began to write.  
  
*****  
What I had feared would happen is beginning. The dreams.   
It is something I always wondered about since I discovered   
that bloody chip in my head. What would happen if I   
somehow got it removed. In the beginning, I remember   
dreaming up intricate revenge schemes against those who   
put the chip in my brain to begin with. I also had plans for   
bagging my third Slayer. Of course, I hadn't anticipated   
falling in love with her. Or maybe I was already in love with   
her. But that's beside the point. I'm supposed to be discussing   
the dream.  
  
But I said I feared this. And I do. I wonder if I'll be strong   
enough to resist this. Resist this urge. What if despite all   
my boosting, my love for Buffy...what if despite everything...  
I'm just a killer after all?  
  
*****  
  
Spike stared at the wall, thinking. Why did that dream   
unnerve him so much? It's not like he'd all of a sudden go   
on a murdering rampage. He's changed. Mayhem and   
destruction were behind him. Right?  
  
The front door opened. Spike wished he could get out of this   
blasted bed and go see who it was.  
  
"Spike?" the voice asked for the bottom of the stairway.  
  
"Up here, Nibblet," he called out.  
  
He heard her bound up the stairs. She opened the door and   
jumped on the bed beside him.  
  
"Guess what?" she grinned big. "Michael asked me out." She   
excitedly hugged him. "Yay!"  
  
"Really? Who is this Michael bloke?" he asked. No one was   
going to touch his Lil' Bit until they got the approval of him.   
And that was going to be a monumental feat.  
  
"Only the hottest sweetest guy in the entire school."  
  
"So, when do I get to meet him?" Spike asked.  
  
"Meet him? Spike, you'll try to scare him away."  
  
Spike nodded, "That's my job, Nibblet. Have to make sure   
you're in good hands."  
  
"Aww, that's so sweet!" Dawn hugged him again and kissed   
his cheek.  
  
"Yeah, but don't be spreadin' that around. I have a reputation   
to protect."  
  
Dawn rolled her eyes, "Whatever."  
  
"It's true, you know," Spike said, half serious.  
  
"Uh-uh." She smiled, "So, how was your day?"  
  
"Oh, you wouldn't believe it. I was so busy. This morning,   
I got up bright and early to discuss my movie idea to the   
producer. Then, this afternoon, I made tea and crumpets   
for fifty of my closest friends. Then right before you came   
home, Britney Spears begged me to turn her but I told her   
very sternly that I couldn't, but she wouldn't take 'no' for an   
answer."  
  
"Yeah, right. Face it, Spike, you were bored out of your mind."  
  
Spike let go of an unneeded breath, "God, yes! What I wouldn't   
give for these damned legs to start moving."  
  
"Well, have you tried?" Dawn asked seriously.  
  
"Tried what?"  
  
"Morning jogging," she said sarcastically, "Walking! Duh!"  
  
"Well, uh-"  
  
Dawn sighed and jumped off the bed. Moving to his side, she   
said, "Well, no time like the present." She reached for his hands,   
intending to pull him up.  
  
"Dawn, what are you doing?"  
  
"Helping you stand up."  
  
"No, I'm too heavy."  
  
"Whatever. It's not like I'm a weakling. Now, come on, give   
me your hands."  
  
Seeing no way out of it, Spike grabbed her hands. She pulled   
him up into a standing position. Slowly, she released her grip.   
He swayed slightly, but remained standing. Tentatively, he took   
a step forward. And didn't collapse.  
  
Dawn smiled, "See. All you had to do was try."  
  
"Well, let's go see what's been happening downstairs, shall we?"   
he said with a grin.  
  
Dawn chuckled.  
  
  
He moved slowly down the stairs, still slightly weak and wobbly.  
Dawn remained by his side. He walked to the couch and plopped   
down. Grabbing the remote, he turned the TV on.  
  
"You've been dying to walk around and now that you can, you   
just sit in front of the TV?" Dawn asked, grinning at him, hands   
on her hips.  
  
He shrugged, "You know, you should really talk Big Sis into putting   
a TV in her room. Bloody boring up there."  
  
Dawn smiled, "Whatever. I'm gonna grab something from the   
fridge. You want?"  
  
He shook his head.  
  
"Okay." She disappeared into the kitchen.  
  
To himself, Spike said, "Let's see what Timmy's been up to."   
And he turned the channel to Passions.  
  
  
Buffy stumbled into the front door. It was late and she was   
tired. She was glad the Scoobies agreed to take over tonight's   
patrol when she called to inform them of her double-shiftiness.   
She wasn't surprised to see the house quiet. It was a school   
night and therefore Dawn was in bed asleep. And Spike...well,   
Spike was stuck in bed.  
  
She was worried about him. The longer he remained immobile,   
the more likely he would never regain the use of his legs. And   
she knew Spike would never live with that. He'd rather be dust.   
  
A bang coming from the kitchen startled her from her thoughts.   
Falling into the Slayer attack stance, she moved toward the kitchen.   
She knew it was probably Dawn getting a glass of water or something,  
but experience told her to be cautious. And that she would be.  
  
As she entered the room, Buffy saw someone or something move   
off to the side. She spun to face it.  
  
"Spike." she said, dropping out of her attack stance.  
  
"Buffy," he said calmly.  
  
Then realization struck her, "Spike! You're walking!"  
  
He smiled and put a finger to his lips, "Shh. You'll wake Dawn."  
  
She smiled back and assaulted his lips with excited kisses.   
He moaned and wrapped his arms around her waist. He   
somehow managed to pick her up and set her on the counter.   
She promptly wrapped her legs around his waist, holding him   
close. He ran his hands across her back, through her hair,   
everywhere. She ran her hands across his face, up her arms,   
down his muscular chest.  
  
They had to break apart all too soon because of her need for air.  
Spike rested his forehead against hers.  
  
"I love you."  
  
"I love you too."  
  
He leaned in and kissed her again. When they broke apart   
again, Buffy said in a husky voice, "Let's go upstairs."  
  
He nodded mutely.  
  
  
They moved together. It was loving. Everything Spike had   
hoped for. Perfect. He reached for her hand. They held   
hands as they moved. She arched against him and turned her   
head to the side, exposing the vulnerable flesh of her jugular.   
Spike could hear her blood pumping. He could see it. He felt   
his face contort into that of the demon's and suddenly, he   
plunged his fangs into her throat, drinking blindly.  
  
End Part Two 


	3. Part Three

Part Three

Spike opened his eyes, gasping. He looked over to his side. Buffy was sound asleep, snuggled up to him, her head resting in the crook of his neck and her arm slung across his waist. She was fine. Unharmed.

It was a dream. That's all. Just a dream. But...why have _that_ dream? He looked down at his sleeping angel. He loved her. Loved her with his whole being. 

He attacked her. Drank her blood. Why did he dream that? He'd never hurt her. Especially like that. But...he liked it.

He liked it.

He wanted it.

Spike sat up abruptly, jostling Buffy, waking her.

"Spike?" she mumbled sleepily. She sat up, too. "What's wrong?"

He looked at her. At her neck. He remembered the dream. The feel of her blood flowing down his throat. He remembered the feel of her struggling beneath him.

Buffy reached for him, "Spike?"

He jerked away from her touch. A look of hurt flashed across her face. "Spike?"

"I'm sorry, pet," he got out of the bed. Out of her reach.

"What are you doing?" Worry and fear crept into her voice. Please, don't leave me, she thought.

"Go back to sleep, luv. I'll be back. There's just something I need to do before the sun rises."

She looked at the digital clock next to the bed, while he dressed himself. "But that's a little over two hours from now."

"I know."

She continued to look at him skeptically and worriedly. He walked to her and kissed her, trying to soothe her worries. And, maybe his, too.

"It'll be fine. I'll be back. Now, sleep."

She nodded reluctantly and he left.

He prowled the cemeteries. He needed to kill something. Anything. It didn't matter. All he knew was that he had to control his bloodlust before he returned home.

Home. He laughed inwardly. He thought of Buffy's home as his. He wondered if she felt the same. Of course, what difference would it make if he couldn't control his bloodlust and ended up....

He shook his head. Spike would not allow his thoughts to return to that dreaded topic. He'd control it. There was no other way. He had to.

But first, he had to kill something. And that something growled behind him. He turned around. A Fyarl demon stood before him. 

Spike rolled his eyes. Not much of a challenge but it'd have to do. Sun's coming up soon. Didn't have the time.

The demon continued to stare at Spike, growling menacingly.

"Well, come on. Haven't got all night," he moved to his attack stance, "Let's you and me have a go."

He charged. The Fyarl, too slow to dodge effectively, was hammered with a flying kick. It stumbled but did not fall. It swung its arm out in an attempt to knock the vampire down.

But Spike ducked, and rammed the Fyarl. They both landed on the ground. Spike straddled the demon and punched it in the face. He managed to do this a few times before the Fyarl's slow mind kicked in enough for it to counteract; it grabbed Spike's fist and flung him over itself.

Both got to their feet and Spike launched himself at it again. A roundhouse kick here, a left hook there. Spike finally managed to get the Fyarl were he wanted him. He worked his way behind the demon and, with a twist, snapped its neck.

Though satisfied with the kill, Spike's bloodlust was not. But he didn't have time to satisfy it. It took him too long to find the Fyarl. The dark sky was beginning to lighten. It was time to go home...unless he wanted to become a crispy critter.

He entered the dark house, closing the door quietly. No need to wake anyone up. He started to move up the stairs, back to Buffy, but the dream stopped him. No. He couldn't go up there. He couldn't take the chance.

Sighing, he plopped down on the couch and reached for the remote. There was no way he was going to be able to sleep now. Too wired. That and his dreams have been less than pleasing. He flipped through the channels before settling on an old rerun of _Saturday Night Live_.

He ended up falling asleep after all. He had slept through the morning between Willow and Dawn. Missed Dawn leaving for school. Both girls, while confused, did not ask why Spike was downstairs and not with Buffy.

He woke up later with a surprise kick in the shin. His eyes snapped open. Standing above him was an apparently upset Slayer.

"Buffy?"

"Why didn't you come back to bed?" she asked, slightly hurt.

He couldn't tell her. He wanted to. Maybe she'd help him. But...he couldn't risk it. He needed to understand it first. Then he'd tell her...if it wasn't too late.

"Well?" she interrupted his thoughts.

He stood up and wrapped his arms around her waist.

"I'm sorry, pet," he proceeded to nuzzle her neck, in an attempt to distract her attention.

And it was working. He heard her release a small giggle. He smiled against her neck.

"Stop that," she said, smiling, "I'm still mad at you."

He pulled away, "Well, then, by all means, punish me."

She playfully slapped him on the chest, "Pig."

"And you love it," he said, leaning in for a kiss.

She gave it to him, capturing his lips with hers, pouring all her love into it. Spike's hands roamed from her waist to her back and through her hair. She moaned into his mouth.

"Get a room already."

They broke apart quickly to see Xander standing in the foyer, a smirk on his face.

"Xander, what are you doing here?" Buffy asked, trying to pretend he didn't catch Spike and her in the middle of something private.

"He's helping us move out," Willow said as she and Tara came down the stairs.

Spike and Buffy shared a look. Neither knew about this.

"Move out?" Spike asked.

Tara nodded.

"You guys don't have to-" Buffy protested.

"It's okay. We've been planning this for a while now," Tara said.

"How come we didn't know anything about it?"

Tara smirked, "You've been really busy lately."

Spike grinned while Buffy blushed.

"Okay, maybe so. But, does Dawn know? If she comes home and realizes you aren't here anymore, she'll be crushed."

Willow spoke," She knows. In fact, she wanted to help us move."

Buffy nodded, "Okay. Let Spike and me help then."

"Sure."

Willow pressed the tape against the box, sealing it, "And that's the last."

Everyone looked around the room. It no longer held any trace of the two witches. Now, it was bare. Lacking a certain sense of individuality. 

"Wow, you guys really moving out, huh?" Buffy said.

"Yep, looks like," Will said.

"Aww, I'm gonna miss you two," Buffy said, drawing the redhead into a hug.

Willow smiled, "It's okay, Buffy. We'll be over here all the time. You'll hardly noticed we moved out."

Buffy pulled away, "Mean it?"

Willow nodded.

"Okay," Buffy said, then pulled Tara into a hug.

Dawn, who'd been home for a couple of hours, looked at her sister, "Buffy, can I spend the night wither them, help 'em move in?" Her eyes moved over to Will and Tara, "If it's okay you guys, of course."

Tara nodded, "I don't have a problem with it." She looked at Willow, "Do you have a problem?"  


She shook her head, "Nope."

Dawn grinned and looked back at Buffy, "So, can I?"

"I guess."

She squealed, "Yay!"

"So, we're all alone," Buffy said as she and Spike watched Xander's car drive off.

Spike slipped his arms around her waist from behind. "Whatever will we do?"

She turned around in his arms and kissed him. She ran her hands across his chest and down south. He groaned and pulled away.

Leaning his forehead against hers, he said, "Well, we *could* do that."

She grinned.

He reached for her hands and led her to the kitchen, "But, first, I'm making you dinner."

She laughed as he seated her on one of the stools. He grabbed the phone next to her on the island.

"Hey, that's cheating," she said as he began dialing.

He looked at her, "If you think I'm gonna get behind that stove, wear a bloody apron and look like a ponce, you've got another thing coming." He spoke into the phone, "Yeah, Tony's?"

Buffy laughed.

He kissed her gently, lovingly. He broke away from her lips and kissed her forehead. Her nose. Her cheeks. Everywhere. He moved down to her neck.

Without warning, he felt his face contort into that of the demon's. He felt his teeth cut through her flesh. He felt her hot blood seep into his throat. And that's when he lost it.

He pulled her roughly to him and drank. Fervently. It had been so long. He felt her slacken. He held onto her, not allowing her to fall.

"S-Spike?" he heard her say weakly.

And that returned him to reality. He released her quickly and she collapsed, unconscious. He stumbled back toward the door. Oh, God, what did he do?

He turned and ran. 

Ran to the only place he knew to get help.

He ran to LA.

End Part Three


	4. Part Four

Part Four

A/N: Okay. *clears throat* You know everything you've seen in _Angel _this season? Forget all that. This is what you need to know. Connor never locked his father in that big metal box and toss him into the ocean. He and Angel are no longer at odds. Justine is nowhere to be found. I like Lorne too much, so he didn't leave for Las Vegas. Groo, however, did leave. Sorry for all you who like him. Angel and Cordy have confessed their feelings and are taking things slow. Oh, yeah, I guess I should mention that Skip never sent her to wherever he sent her. And the Wesley situation? Let's just say he was never cast out of the group and leave it at that, okay?

*****

The door opened and Willow stepped in. "Buffy?" She closed the door. "Spike? Sorry to burst in, but turns out, Tara and I forgot something." She moved up the stairs, hoping she wasn't about to interrupt anything. She heard nothing. 

"Buffy?" she called out again. She saw Buffy's door open. She peeked in. And was shocked to see Buffy unconscious on the floor. She ran to her. Though she noticed the twin puncture wounds on her neck, Willow ignored them and focused her attention on looking for a pulse. Relieved that there still was one, she went for the phone on the bedside table. She dialed '911.' When the operator answered, she quickly gave her the needed details and returned to Buffy, placing her hand on the wound, applying the much needed pressure. And she waited for the ambulance.

Xander and Anya ran into the waiting room. They were met by Willow, Tara, and Dawn.

"How is she?" Xander asked desperately.

Willow relayed the news, "The doctor told me she's fine. They gave her a transfusion and she's resting. They want to keep her overnight for observation."

"Where's Spike?" Anya asked.

"What happened?" Xander asked.

"I don't know. Tara and I forgot a few charms, so I went to pick them up. I found her, unconscious. Vampire." Willow looked to Anya, "I don't know where Spike is."

"Vampire?" Xander repeated, "But that doesn't make any sense. I mean, the only vamp with an invitation is - Oh, God."

"What?" Dawn asked.

"Oh, please, don't tell me it's true."

"What?!" Dawn repeated.

"Spike. Spike did this."

"What the hell are you talking about? Spike wouldn't do this. He loves her. He loves us," Dawn said.

Tara didn't want to believe Xander either, but- "Dawnie, it's the only explanation."

"No, it's not. You're wrong."

Xander spoke, getting angry and not paying any mind to the pain his words were casing Dawn, "Damnit! I *knew* it was a mistake to take that chip out of his head. We should have just let it kill him."

"You don't mean that," Dawn said, "He's my friend."

"He's a murderer, Dawn. Look at what he almost did to your sister!"

"We don't know if he *did* do that!"

Anya leaned closer to Xander, "She's right, Xander. We don't know anything. You're just guessing, jumping to conclusions. For all we know, Spike could be out trying to find whoever *did* do this."

"Well, I hope for his sake, you're right."

*****

I did it. I did the unthinkable. God, why couldn't I be strong enough to battle my demon's bloodlust? Why? Why did I do it? I love her. I don't want to kill her.

Every time I close my eyes, I see her on the floor. Unconscious. Dying. From my bite. And I tremble every time I think about how it felt to have her life's blood draining into my throat. And I hate myself more every time I think about how much I liked it. How I wanted to finish it. Make her mine forever with a kiss. 

Why am I feeling like this? I can't remember ever feeling so weak against my demon even during my worst times. I've always been able to control it. Why isn't this the same? Why am I a slave to it?

I can't go back to Sunnydale. Not after....what I did. I can't risk it again. I love her too much. I love Dawn too much. To put them through that again. I was a fool to think I could reign my bloodlust in when this started. A bloody fool.

I know I'll never see them again. It's best that way. And it kills a part of me every time I think about it. I'll never see her smile. Hear her laugh. Watch her fight. Feel her. Never again. But...I want to try to live the way she would have liked me to. I need to.

*****

Buffy opened her eyes and groaned when the harsh white lights hurt her eyes, causing her to close them again.

"Buffy?" Xander asked.

"Spike?" she whispered, keeping her eyes closed.

"No," Dawn said.

She opened her eyes and started to site up. But she moved too fast and suddenly felt dizzy. She laid back down.

"What happened? Where am I?" she asked.

Xander pressed the button on the side of the bed to raise the head slightly.

Tara explained, "You're in the hospital, Buffy. But don't worry, it's only for one night. You-you were attacked. Willow found you. Vampire."

Buffy's hand flew to her neck. It was covered in white gauze. Then the memory slowly came as the fuzziness faded. No. That couldn't be. Spike. Spike'd never...

"Spike? Where is he?" she asked.

"We don't know. Willow said he wasn't at the house when she found you," Dawn said.

Buffy nodded. No, of course, he wasn't there. He knew better than to stay...

"Buffy, what the hell happened?" Xander asked.

She looked at her hands in her lap. "I-I don't remember," she lied.

She couldn't tell him. Or anyone. They'd try to stake him. She couldn't deal with that. Not right now.

"You sure?" Xander prodded. "Buffy, try to remember. Did Spike-"

"Xander," Willow and Anya warned.

He ignored them, "Did Spike attack you?"

"I can't. Not right now. Xander, please, just drop it," Buffy pleaded.

He saw the tears in her eyes. That was enough for his answer.

"I'll kill him," he vowed.

"Xander, please. He didn't mean to-"

"Did mean to what, Buffy? Didn't mean to sink his fangs in you? Buffy, he could have killed you," Xander admonished. 

"But he didn't, okay? Something made him stop. He couldn't...couldn't finish."

"But, Buffy-"

"Please, can you just drop it? For now, at least? I'm tired. Please, just leave me alone."

Tara intervened before Xander could speak, "Okay. Buffy, you get some sleep. We'll be by in the morning to pick you up, okay?"

Buffy nodded and Tara herded everyone out.

Spike stood in front of the Hyperion. Home of Angel Investigations. He made it to Los Angeles in record time. When he left Sunnydale, he had been so sure as he fled here. But, as he stood here, he felt more and more insecure. The last time he and Angel met, they didn't part of the best of terms, what, with the whole torture and Gem of Amara bit. He also had absolutely no idea if Angel was aware of his situation and new life, so to speak. Did Angel even know he worked with the Scoobies? Or did?

Deciding it best not to stall any further, he walked up to the steps and opened the door.

He found the lobby empty. Now he felt himself getting nervous again. He feared he'd chicken out. Then he heard it.

Footsteps coming down the stairs. Angel's footsteps. He waited until Angel was in the room. Then he faced him, his expression one of pure desperation.

"How do you do it?"

End Part Four

A/N: I'm thinking of putting this story on the back burner (again) and focus my attention on "Within My Heart Are Memories" and possibly a continuation of my short fic "Save Me." If you want me to finish this story now, let me know. And I will. :)


	5. Part Five

A/N: The song 'Good Enough' belongs to Darren Hayes. I'm just borrowing.

Part Five

You know that saying 'never saw what hit him?' Well, that's what happened with Spike. Quite literally. He knew that one moment he stood before Angel, desperate, and the next, he was sent flying across the room when he felt someone or something slam into him. He knew it wasn't Angel, because he still stood at the foot of the stairs. After he was thrown, Spike found himself trapped underneath a teenager, a stake held to his chest.

"Do you want me to kill him, Dad?" the boy asked.

Dad, Spike thought, what the hell?

Angel approached the two as the rest of his associates came to watch. Spike tensed as the boy raised the stake. So, this is it, huh? he thought.

Angel shook his head, "No."

Spike relaxed as the stake was removed from striking distance and the boy stood up. He started to get to his feet when he was grabbed by Angel and slammed into the nearest wall.

"Bloody hell!"

The stake suddenly reappeared before his heart.

"Let me do it," Angel said.

Spike inwardly rolled his eyes as he steeled himself once more for the blow he knew wouldn't come. He found himself smirking, "Don't you wanna know why I'm here...Granddad?"

"Not really," Angel growled, preparing to strike.

Spike quickly realized he was going to have to drop the cocky attitude if was going to get anywhere with Angel.

"Okay, okay!" He allowed his face to display the desperation he felt. "Please, you have to help me. I have nowhere else to turn."

Angel relaxed his grip slightly, "And why would I help you?"

Spike couldn't help himself when he felt the smirk return, "Because that's what you do."

Angel slammed him against the wall again, "Why would *I* help *you*?"

Spike sobered again, "Because we both love Buffy."

Angel released his hold on him, "You can't love. You're a vampire."

Spike openly rolled his eyes this time, "Look who's talking."

"Yeah, but I've got a soul."

Of course, the soul. Spike wasn't at all surprised when Angel threw that in his face, "Why is it always the soul? What is so bloody important about that soul of yours?"

"Because a soul keeps you from being evil," Angel argued.

"That's crap and you know it. Watch the news. Read the papers. Plenty of *soul-having* humans commit crimes more sinister and evil than even you could have come up with in you day. Much less me."

Angel didn't say anything. Spike had a point. But he'd be damned if he'd admit it.

Spike smirked, "Cat got your tongue, Peaches?"

Angel growled, "Just tell me why you're here, Spike."

He sighed, "I told you. I need your help."

"Yeah, I got that part. My help with what?"

Spike hesitated. He looked at the others staring at him. He remembered the ex-cheerleader, Cordelia. But the rest...he had no idea. "Can... can we talk about this somewhere private?"

Angel nodded and turned to the man with the shaggy hair and glasses, "Wes, mind if we use your office?"

"Go right ahead," Wesley said. Angel led Spike into the office.

"Well, that was weird," Cordelia said.

"Weird how?" Gunn asked.

"Spike coming here. Asking *Angel* for help."

"You know that vampire?" Wesley asked, surprised.

"Oh, yeah. We go way back. I knew him when he first came to Sunnydale, trying to kill Buffy. Did you know he's killed two Slayers already?"

"Why did he call my dad 'Granddad?'" Connor asked, a look of confusion on his face.

"Oh, that? Well, your dad sired this crazy vamp named Dru back in, like, the 1800s. And she sired Spike."

So, what, that makes me his great uncle or something?"

Cordy paused, "Well...uh...I guess so."

"That's weird," Connor mumbled.

"You said that Spike was trying to kill Buffy?" Fred asked.

Cordy nodded.

"Well, why did he say that he loved her?"

"You're kidding, right? *You* want *me* to help you control...your demon?" Angel couldn't contain a slight smirk.

Spike snarled. What the hell did it take?

"Sorry. But why the sudden change in heart? I mean, last time we met, you had me tortured. So...why?"

"I told you why, you nit. I love Buffy," Spike growled.

That sobered Angel. He knew he told Spike earlier that he couldn't love without a soul, but he knew that was a lie when it came to his grandchilde. He had seen Spike in love. With Drusilla. He loved her with his entire existence.

"And she loves me," Spike added, and muttered under his breath, "Or, at least, she did."

"Now, I don't believe you. Buffy could never love you. You're an evil, soulless killer," Angel said and he could swear he saw the younger vampire flinch at his words.

"They haven't been keeping you in the loop, have they?" Spike asked.

"They've, uh, told me some things but not a word about you."

Spike nodded, "Course no. Thing is, I've been helping the Scoobies out for about three years now."

"Why would you help them out?"

Spike sighed, "Look, it really doesn't matter, now does it? What matters right now is that I've..." He faltered, "I've done something-"

Angel interrupted, "What did you do?"

Spike closed his eyes, remembering vividly. "Maybe this was a mistake." He left the office with Angel on his heels.

"Spike. What happened?" Angel asked, grabbing his grandchilde's arm, stopping him.

"If I tell you, you won't help me. And I need your help, more than I'd like to admit," Spike answered.

At that time, the front door opened and a wildly dressed, green-skinned demon with horns entered. He looked at Spike, "Well, hello, Cheekbones."

"Lorne, this is Spike, an old...friend," Angel spoke.

Lorne nodded, acknowledging, before returning his attention to Spike, "Now, Blondie, what's got you so worked up?"

"Wha-?" Spike asked, confused.

Lorne smiled, "No offense, Sugar, but you're like a billboard. I don't need to read you to know you need help."

"Read me?" Spike asked.

Cordelia spoke from her place behind the counter, "Hey, Lorne, why don't you give Spike a reading?"

"A reading? Why didn't I think of that?" Angel muttered.

"What? You're gonna tell me my future? Thanks, but no thanks," Spike said.

"Not that, silly," Fred said, giggling. "He reads your aura and can tell you your meaning in life."

"Sounds like fortune tellin' to me," Spike remarked.

Angel tried to convince him, "It might help me figure out how to help you. It's worth trying, isn't it?"

Spike sighed, "But this aura-reading stuff sounds like it's gonna expose everything. Things I don't want people knowing."

"I will only reveal to them what you want me to. I will not tell them anything you'd wish to keep secret. I give you my word," Lorne said.

Spike thought for a moment before speaking, "Fine. Go ahead. Read me."

"Well, that's the catch," Gunn said from the back.

"What?" Spike asked, looking at him.

"You have to sing," Cordy said.

Spike turned to her. "What?" he asked incredulously. 

"Lorne can't read you unless you sing," she explained.

"Oh, no. I didn't drive all the way to LA to humiliate myself. I came for help."

Cordy shrugged, "Angel did it."

Spike couldn't help it. He laughed, "And you didn't call me? I woulda loved to have seen that."

"No, you wouldn't," she said matter-of-factly. "I'm still having nightmares."

Spike laughed harder, "That bad, huh?"

"It's not that bad," Angel muttered, still sore about the whole singing bit.

Spike put his arm around the souled vampire, "Oh, what's the matter, Peaches? Our making fun of ya hurtin' your feelings?"

Angel growled, "Either sing or get the hell out of here."

Spike held up both hands in surrender, "Okay, okay. I'll sing." He looked at Lorne, "Anything in particular you want me to sing?"

Lorne shrugged, "Whatever your heart desires."

Spike got quiet and began to think. He didn't take long in deciding a song. This one had been stuck in his head for days thanks to Dawn who had been playing the CD constantly since the day she bought it. Course...to save himself some embarrassment, he decided he was going to sing it an octave lower....

He cleared his throat before starting.

"_If the going got worse _

And the worse got rough 

The days became endless 

And harder than tough 

I'd be good enough 

Better than best 

Would be simply to be good enough 

If everything I give 

Doesn't seem like a lot 

If it's all that I got 

Baby, tell me that could be good enough 

Cause I don't know 

Which way this road is gonna turn, oh, no, no

But I know it's gonna be fine 

But there are some days 

No matter how much I learn

That the road gets tough 

And I don't feel good enough 

And if you're giving me some of that loving 

Could you pass some over 

Let me cry on your shoulder 

And tell me, baby

I could be good enough for you."

Spike swore he saw Lorne's eyes widen slightly when he sang. He knows, he thought. "So, uh, was that enough? You get everything you need?"

Lorne nodded.

"Wow," Cordy exclaimed, "That was amazing."

Spike smirked, "Glad you like." He turned back to Lorne, "So, what's the verdict?"

End Part Five


	6. Part Six

A/N: Okay, I want to take this opportunity to apologize for my two month absence. Real life interfered, not to mention writer's block. But I'm back now and I should be getting back to a regular basis of posting. 

****

Part Six

Lorne took a seat and sighed, "I gotta tell ya. This Slayer of yours? She really must be something if she managed to get two vampires to fall in love with her."

"So, he's really in love with her?" Angel asked.

Lorne laughed, "Oh, yeah. He's in real deep."

"Damn right he's in deep," Xander exclaimed angrily as he dug around in Buffy's weapon chest.

"But you heard what Buffy said. She doesn't want any of us to intervene," Tara tried to convince him to drop his vendetta as she and the girls watched.

He held up an ax, "Buffy's not in her right mind right now. Who knows what kind of drugs the doctors gave her."

"Xander, how do we know it's not you who's not in his right mind?" Anya asked.

"Anya's right," Willow said. "We all know you never liked Spike. For all we know, you're just using this opportunity to get rid of him."

Xander's anger rocketed, "He attacked Buffy! He could have killed her."

"But he didn't," Dawn exclaimed. "We don't know what exactly happened."

"Yes, we do, Dawn," Xander argued, "Spike attacked your sister."

"I don't know about you, but I didn't hear Buffy say that. She never said those words," Dawn defended Spike.

Xander shook his head, "I don't need to hear this." He took the ax and left the house.

The girls were fast behind him.

"Xander, where are you going?" Willow asked.

"To look for that bastard."

"What are you going to do if you find him?" Dawn asked nervously.

"I'm going to ask him if he'd like some tea and crumpets," Xander answered sarcastically. "What do you think? I'm going to kill him."

Lorne sobered, looking at Spike, "The thing you're so worried about but can't ask anyone? You're not. You haven't been in a while. What happened? It was a test."

"A test?! I almost ki-" he stopped himself. He collected himself before continuing, "How is something like that a test?"

"What in life isn't a test? But the important thing is that you passed."

"Passed?" Spike laughed humorlessly. "Then how come I feel like I failed?"

Lorne looked at Spike sympathetically, "I know it feels like you failed, but consider what could have happened if you couldn't hold back."

"The only way I would have passed this bloody test of yours was if I didn't let it go as far as it did. If I controlled my demon. No. I failed. And now I've lost everything." And with that, Spike fled the Hyperion, with a confused group watching.

Lorne turned to them, "Don't worry; he'll be back. Just needs to blow some steam."

"What was that all about?" Gunn asked.

"Sorry, can't say," Lorne said.

"Well," Angel said, "how can I help him?"

Lorne shook his head, "It's not your help he needs." He turned back to the front door, "It's hers."

Xander threw the ax back into the chest, "Dammit!"

The girls watched silently as he continued his tirade. Their search for the blond vampire turned up empty. He wasn't at his crypt, Willy's or any other place in Sunnydale they figured he could be. Xander had wanted to check the hospital to make sure he wasn't there to "finish the job." But Tara stopped him by explaining that it's doubtful Spike even knew she was in the hospital much less which one. It was determined that he left town.

"So, Spike's too much of a damn coward to stay in town. Well, good for him. Maybe this time, he'll stay away," Xander said.

"You don't mean that," Dawn said.

"Like hell I don't!"

"Just the other day, you were acting like Spike wasn't really all that bad," Dawn continued to defend her friend.

"Yeah, well, that was before he decided your sister would make a good midnight snack," Xander retorted harshly.

"He *loves* her!"

"Didn't seem to make much difference when he was chewing on her neck!"

Dawn's eyes teared up, "It doesn't matter to you what really happened. You've always hated Angel, because Buffy loved him. Maybe you're just using this opportunity to get rid of Spike because, this time, you can't stand the fact that Buffy chose to love another vampire instead of you!"

"That was a long time ago and you know it!" Xander said.

Dawn shrugged, "And Buffy and Spike love each other and you know it."

Tara decided it was time to act when she saw Xander prepare to say another retort, "Okay, guys, enough! Buffy is coming home from the hospital tomorrow and the last thing she needs it the two of you at each other's throats about Spike. Give her time and when she's ready, she'll tell us what really happened, okay?"

Xander backed off, "Fine. I'll stop, for Buffy's sake."

Dawn shrugged, "Fine. I'm going to bed." She stomped up the stairs to her room.

True to Lorne's word, Spike did return. Thirty minutes before sunrise and drunk as a skunk. Gunn and Angel together managed to get him to a room protected from the sunlight. And that's where he collapsed, falling into deep unsettling dreams of his hurting Buffy again and again.

In Sunnydale, Buffy was coming home. Xander volunteered to drive her home after promising Tara he wouldn't mention the word 'Spike.' And as Xander drove home with Buffy beside him, he couldn't help but feel unnerved by her silence. She just stared out the window, occasionally fingering with the bandage on her neck.

"Buff?" he asked worriedly.

She looked at him.

"You okay?"

She looked away, back to the window, "Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

Xander knew that wasn't true. He heard the waver in her voice. He saw the way she avoided looking at him.

"Buffy," he said.

"What?"

"Is it true?"

"Is what true?" she asked, confused.

Xander knew that he promised Tara, but he couldn't help it. He *had* to know. "Did...did Spike....Did he do that to you?" he asked, pointing to the bandage on her neck.

Her fingers flew back to her neck as she refused to look at him. "Why are you asking me this?" she asked weakly.

"Because if he did do this, I have to kill him."

"You can't," she said.

"Why not?" he demanded.

"Because I love him," she said in a quiet voice.

"But he almost killed you!"

She flinched at the harshness in his voice. "But he didn't."

"I don't care! Next time I see him, I will kill him."

Spike opened his eyes. He was in the forest again. Screams could again be heard in the distance. He tried to block them out, but his demon relished them. The demon grew excited, hungry. He wouldn't let himself be controlled this time. He couldn't. He had already failed. Failed her. Failed himself.

He was startled by a rustle behind him. Funny, he should have sensed whoever it was a long time ago. He turned around. Buffy stood before him, smiling.

"Buffy?"

She moved towards him. Slowly. Agonizingly so. 

"Buffy?" he asked again.

"Yes?" she asked sweetly, finally getting within arms reach.

"Are-are you okay?" he asked nervously. 

"Yeah? Why wouldn't I be?" she asked, a look of confusion on her face.

"Because-" he started to yell before reigning himself in, "Because I-I hurt you."

She wrapped her arms around his neck, "Oh, that? Just a scratch. I'm fine."

"You sure?"

She nodded.

"Oh, Buffy, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do it. I didn't want to do it. You know I love you, right? I would never try to hurt you. You know that, right? Please, forgive me."

"Shh. It's alright. Really," she said, brushing aside a tear he didn't even notice slide down his face.

He rested his forehead against hers, "I don't know what I'd do if I hurt you again."

"You won't," she said matter-of-factly. 

"How do you know that?" he asked sadly.

"I just do," she said before kissing him slowly.

His arms moved to encircle her waist, pulling her closer.

"I love you," he mumbled against her lips.

"Love you, too," she whispered, breaking the kiss. She brushed light kisses along his jaw and down his neck.

He groaned. But that groaned swiftly turned from one of pleasure to one of pain as he felt something sharp penetrate the skin on his throat. He jerked away to see Buffy, grinning, his blood dripping from her mouth. But she wasn't his Buffy. This one was a demon. A vampire.

He looked at her, a pained expression on his face. He did this. He killed Buffy and now...this...*thing* was all that remained of his love.

"What's wrong, Spike?" Buffy asked. "Isn't this what you wanted?"

He shook his head vehemently. "No. You're not Buffy."

She looked at him as if he grew another head, "What are you talking about? Of course, I'm Buffy."

"No."

She just grinned at him, "Now, now. We mustn't be sad. This is what you wanted, remember?" She launched herself at his throat again. 

He stood there unmoving as she drained him of blood that should have stopped flowing a century ago. Before he slipped away, he was vaguely aware of the tears that made their way down his cheeks unchecked.

End Part Six

A/N: Please, review! I just might get the next part out faster...


	7. Part Seven

A/N: Now, I can finally say that this story is rated R for language. Spike tends to say the f-word about four times in this part...

Part Seven

He slept through the whole day. When the sun said goodnight and fell below the horizon, Spike had wordlessly descended the stairs and went out into the little courtyard, plopping down on one of the stone benches.

The others watched him worriedly. Angel turned to Lorne.

"Okay, I've known Spike for over a century, but I haven't seen him this torn up inside. Not even when Dru dumped him. So, what gives?"

"Look, Sweetcakes, as much as I'd like to, I can't tell you. That's up to him."

Angel sighed, resigned. As much as he wanted to know what was troubling him grandchilde, he knew Lorne would never betray Spike's confidence; he'd have to wait, like Lorne said.

The green-skinned demon pointed to the courtyard, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to see what's troubling Cheekbones."

Spike was hunched over, his elbows on his knees, head in his hands. He said nothing when Lorne sat beside him; he didn't even acknowledge the singing demon.

"Want to talk about it?" Lorne asked.

Spike just groaned in protest.

"No, of course, you don't," Lorne continued. "For years, you've tried to express yourself, but no one listened. So you've learned to keep it inside, expressing your true thoughts in your journal, which you hide from prying eyes. Did she even know your fears when your chip was removed?"

Spike's head jerked up to glare at Lorne, "How the 'ell-"

"I read you, remember? I know."

"Well, then, you know why I didn't tell her. If I told her my dreams, she'd stake me on sight, regardless of her feelings. She's the Slayer, first and foremost." He reached into his duster pocket and pulled out his lighter and a cigarette.

"Does she love you? Trust you?" Lorne asked.

Spike's hands suddenly shook uncontrollably as he tried to light his cigarette. He couldn't and let out a frustrated growl. Lorne took the lighter from the vampire's hand and lit the cigarette for him.

Spike let out a small 'thanks' before standing up to pace.

"If she did, I doubt she does now." He stopped and looked at the ground. "God, she was right about me. I *am* an evil disgusting thing. And a coward."

Lorne sighed, "You're not a coward, Spike."

"Like hell I'm not! I am a fuckin' coward! I was too afraid to tell anyone what was going on. I was scared of how they'd react. It took two fuckin' years for me earn enough of their trust so that their hearts wouldn't pound in fear any time I was in the room. I was afraid that if I told them was I having dreams about killing again, I'd be right back where I was.

"And Buffy?" It took the most with her. I guess you could say I turned her whole way of viewing the world upside down. Spike, the soddin' vamp who can love without a soul. Couldn't be possible. After all, the only thing vampires and demons are supposed to know and care about is hate and evil. You know what she did when I told her I loved her? De-invited me from her house. Slammed the door in my face. Took a life or death situation for her to trust my intentions enough to let me back in. But not into her heart. But she finally, *finally* let's me in and I fuck it all up."

Spike returned to his seat on the stone bench and placed his face in his hands, having abandoned his cigarette during his outburst. Quietly, he continued, "After...after I attacked her, I didn't even stay. I took off. I was too much of a bloody coward to face up to what I did. I...I don't even know if she's...alive. I didn't even check." He choked on a sob that threatened to come. He felt tears burn the back of his eyes but refused to let them fall.

Lorne looked at the vampire sympathetically, "She's fine. She's alive."

Spike's eyes jerked up to look at Lorne, "Wha-?"

"When I read you, I realized your fears. So I called all the hospitals in Sunnydale. I managed to find her. Told the nurse I was her brother who unfortunately couldn't make it to see her. Worked my natural charm and the nurse was kind enough to give me a full report on Buffy's condition. She's fine."

Spike let out the breath he was holding, despite the face he didn't need to breathe. Slowly, he nodded, saying, "Then I have to stay away from her."

Lorne sighed. This was going to be harder than he would have liked. "Do you love her?"

"What the bloody hell kind of question is that? You know I do. Love 'er more than anything. And I want more than anything to go to her, but I can't."

"And why not?" Lorne asked innocently.

Spike growled and jumped to his feet, "Are you bloody daft?! I almost fucking killed her!"

Neither he nor Lorne saw Angel's fist fly at Spike's face.

Buffy breathed in the salty air as she stood on the beach, watching the sun rise above the ocean. She smiled as she felt two strong sinewy arms encircle her waist. She felt his lips graze the crook of her neck before he rested his chin against her shoulder.

"I love you," he whispered into her ear.

"I love you, too," she said, turning her head to look into Spike's eyes.

He smiled and kissed her. She turned around in his arms and brought her hands up to bring his face closer, deepening the kiss. He tightened his hold on her waist, pulling her tightly against him. Buffy groaned as his hands moved up to caress her back.

He broke the kiss and began to trail tiny kisses along her jaw and down her neck. When he reached her jugular, Buffy swore she felt two tiny pricks before he jerked away.

Their eyes connected and suddenly, before she could do anything, Spike disintegrated into dust.

"Spike!"

"That is quite unfortunate," a voice with a distinguished British accent sounded behind her.

She spun around to see who is was that spoke. She found herself face to face with a man decked out in elegant nineteenth century clothing. Curly, sandy blond locks fell softly against his forehead. Tiny wire frame spectacles perched atop the bridge of his nose. Behind the frames, beautiful cerulean blue eyes looked into hers. Eyes that looked strangely familiar.

"Spike?"

"Hardly," he smirked.

That's Spike's smirk, Buffy thought.

"William?" she asked.

This time he nodded, "You are correct, milady." He motioned towards Spike's ashes, "But I am a part of him, even if he'd never admit it."

He noticed Buffy's eyes cloud over with tears. And he softened his expression.

"Now, now. We mustn't have any of that. He's not lost to you forever...yet."

"What do you mean?" Buffy asked fearfully.

William ignored her question and, instead, brushed back a section of hair from her neck, revealing Spike's bite marks. He took in a sharp breath as he ran a finger over the two little punctures.

He let his hand drop down to his side, "He didn't mean to do it. I know that sounds a bit immature, but it's true."

Buffy's own hand flew up to her wound as she listened to William's words.

"Spike loves you. Never doubt that. But he's kept something from you. He was afraid what you would do if he told you."

"What are you talking about?" Buffy asked, confused.

"He pretended he was in complete and total control of his demon. But in reality, it was his demon battling for complete and total control. Spike tried to believe he was strong enough to fight it. But, unfortunately, he didn't realize exactly how strong a grip his demon had on him."

"What do you mean?" Buffy asked, fear seeping in.

William looked off to the side. Curious, Buffy let her eyes follow his. She gasped when the scene before her was processed through her mind.

There was a group of terrified humans huddled together, trying to find strength in numbers. Before them stood Spike. In his arms, a young girl, not much older than Dawn. She whimpered weakly as Spike drained her. He soon dropped her and looked at the others, smirking as blood dripped from his lips. Without warning, the vampire launched himself at the helpless humans.

Buffy turned away, no longer able to watch. She tried to block out the screams as Spike tore through each and every one of them.

William looked at her, concerned, "Oh, don't worry, milady. None of this has happened. This is a dream, after all."

She glared at him, "I know that. But why are you showing me this?"

"You needed to see what could happen if he doesn't get what he needs most."

"And what's that?"

"You. And your help," William answered simply. "I realize that probably won't be entirely easy, because he did attack you."

Buffy shook her head, "No. It's not me, it's -"

"Your friends." He nodded and looked to the side again. This time, they were in the living room of Buffy's house. Her friends were hanging out, talking amongst themselves.

Buffy looked back at William and nodded, "They don't understand. They'd sooner stake him than help."

William smiled slightly, "You, my dear lady, hold your friends' opinion on too high of a pedestal. Do you love Spike?"

"Yes, but-"

"Do you love him?" he repeated.

She nodded.

"Do you want to help him?"

She nodded again.

"Good. Then it's settled. Because if you don't help him, Spike may become a victim to his own demon."

Buffy's eyes fluttered open. Tears filled her eyes as she remembered the dream. Spike needed her. She had to help him. But where was he? She rolled over onto her stomach and cried into her pillow as she thought about what she may have lost.

End Part Seven


	8. Part Eight

A/N: Everything is at the end of the 9th part. 

Part Eight

The force of Angel's blow sent Spike flying into the wall behind him. As the blond vampire slid to the ground, Angel approached him.

"You son of a bitch!" Angel seethed as he kicked Spike in the side.

Spike grunted and Cordelia and Lorne, who had hurried outside after the first punch, rushed to his side.

"Angel, stop it!" Cordy ordered as he managed to get another good kick in.

The brunette vampire shot death glares at his grandchilde, "This bastard almost killed Buffy! Admitted his own damned self."

"Yes, I'm quite aware of that. But, remember, he came here for help, not to be beaten to a bloody pulp."

Lorne looked at the fallen vamp who was wiping the blood from his lips, "Are you okay?"

"Peachy," Spike muttered, getting to his feet.

"Okay," Cordy said, "Now, can we maybe try to discuss this like adults?"  


Angel growled, "What is there to discuss? He attacked Buffy and for that he should be staked."

Cordy sighed, "You can be so-"  


Spike interrupted her, though, "You don't think I know that? God, I mean, Buffy trusted and loved me enough to let me into not only her life but her bed and heart. And the first thing I did was betray that. So, thank you, Angelus for the reprimand, but I was pretty much punishing myself before you even got your shot in." And with that, Spike left the courtyard.

Cordelia turned to Angel, crossing her arms and glaring at him.

"What?" he asked as if he had no idea.

She just rolled her eyes and scoffed, leaving the two males alone, following Spike.

Angel turned to Lorne, "What?"

Lorne sighed, "Angel Cakes, whenever Buffy's concerned, you have a tendency to act first without thinking. You don't know the whole situation, but that doesn't stop you from playing the big strapping hero." He shrugged, "Also, I think your desire to protect Buffy has Cordelia a little jealous."

"Why on earth would Cordy be jealous? She knows I'd do the same for her."

"Does she?"

Cordelia entered the lobby to the sounds of Spike rummaging through the mini refrigerator in the office. She calmly walked to the counter and leaned over, watching the blond vampire.

He growled in frustration. Standing up, he said, "Don't you white hats ever have anything good?"

"Wanna talk about it?" Cordelia asked.

Spike growled again, "And that's another thing. Why do you good guys always want to talk about things?"

Cordy shrugged, "But from what I hear, you could count yourself as one of the good guys."

He shot her a look, "Don't insult me. And, no, I don't want to talk about it. I'm through bloody talking about it. Talking never seems to get you anywhere."

Cordy shrugged again, "Talking always seems to help me."

"Well, good for you."

She sighed, "But doesn't having someone listen to your problems and give you advice help you?"

He shook his head, "Nope. Not really."

"Well, could you just try and humor me. I feel very advice-"givey" tonight."

Spike sighed and moved to sit on the red seat in the middle of the lobby.

"It started about two years ago-"

Cordelia interrupted, "And, lately, he's always been telling me that he loves me. And I believe him, but..."

Spike tried to continue, "I didn't want to fall in love with her, but-"

"And he's always going on and on about how he's finally getting over Buffy and I believe him then, too."

"And then she finally told me she loved me-"

"But, then, of course, when we're finally getting comfortable with each other, you show up."

Spike sighed, giving up. No point in trying to talk if she was going to keep interrupting.

"And Angel, of course, can't hurry fast enough to protect his soul mate," she said this word with disgust, "and leave me out to dry. And I can't help but feel like I'll always come in second whenever she's involved. He'll always love her first and foremost. And I can't help but feel like a consolation prize. Since he can't have Buffy, he'll just have to settle for me. I don't know how much more of that I can take."

During her tirade, she flopped down next to the vampire.

"You know you're not a consolation prize, Cordy," Angel said from behind.

Surprised, Cordelia stood to look at him. She wrapped her arms around herself protectively and almost defiantly. "Really? Could of fooled me," she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Cordelia Chase, you know I love you with my entire heart and soul. I've proven it in more than one way."

She couldn't help blushing slightly, remembering some on the ways he proved it.

He continued, "And, sure, I'll always hold a certain love for Buffy, but it'll never be what it once was. I know that. *You* know that. Buffy and I have both moved on. We lead completely different lives now. You are the one for me now. No one else."

Spike adverted his eyes as the two lovers make up. It made his heart ache. He wanted to go back to Sunnydale, but he couldn't. He blew it.

God, he missed her.

How he wanted to just be able to go back to Sunnydale, give a long apology, explaining his action. Then have her forgive him. After that he'd sweep her off her feet and they'd spend the rest of the night together.

But he couldn't do that. If it wasn't Buffy, it'd be one of her friends that'd drive the stake through his unbeating heart.

Lorne sat down next to him, "You can have that, too, you know."

Spike laughed, "Sure, I can. When hell freezes over, ya mean."

Lorne sighed, "Why do you do this to yourself?"

The vampire shrugged and absently noticed Angel and Cordelia were no longer present. Great. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Spike's denial sent the green reader into even deeper frustration. "This constant self-deprecation you seem to indulge yourself in. Why do you do it?"

Spike squirmed in his seat. did he really hove to bring this up? "I am not self-deprecating."

It was Lorne's turn to laugh, "Spike, Sweet Cheeks, I hate to tell you this, but you are the most self-deprecating man I've met. You even have Angel beat."

"You forget. I'm not a man. I'm a demon, remember?" he said without thinking.

"That! Right there! You constantly fall into that."

Spike stood suddenly and began to pace, "Yeah? So, what? All of it's true, too."

"Is it true because everyone used to tell you that?"

"It's true because it just it. I *am* an evil, soulless thing. I've killed thousands of innocent people and you know what I feel? Absolutely nothing. I don't feel guilt or remorse. I'm incapable. I don't have a soul."

"And yet, here you are, beating yourself up because you, a vampire, did what happens to be natural instinct for a member of...your kind."

"Because I love her! And I made a promise that Id never hurt her. And I told her that I had change. But I didn't. I can't."

"Haven't you, though? William, only two years ago, you wanted nothing more than to see the Slayer dead. And now? You love her. You love her sister. You care about her friends."

"But it's not enough! I still have the demon inside of me. And it will always be screaming to be let out, to relieve its bloodlust. And I don't know when the next time I'll lose control again. Could be with any of the Scoobies, or, God forbid, Buffy again, or Dawn. It's a risk I'm not sure I can take."

"But isn't love the willingness to take those risks? Let's look at Angel and Cordy."

Spike scowled and his grandsire's name.

Lorne smirked, "I know. You really don't want to. But look at them. They know his soul isn't a permanent thing. Neither know when or if he'll lose it. But both are willing to take the risk and be together. And that's something you should be willing to do with Buffy. You should enjoy your time together. Cherish it."

Spike looked around the empty room, "So I should risk the pain and fear?"

Lorne nodded.

"Are you also trying to tell me that I should go back to Sunnydale despite the fact I could be residing inside a Hoover before I even open my mouth?"

The green demon grinned, "That's *exactly* what I'm saying! Now, let's see, if we leave now, we should be able to make it before sunrise."

"Whoa! Whoa! We? Now?"

"Of course. I'm going with you. How else am I going to know what happened?"

"Uh, ever heard of a telephone?"

Lorne ignore him, "And now, because, otherwise, you'll probably chicken out."

Spike looked offended.

Lorne motion to Spike, "Now, let us be on our way."

"Right this very instant...Fine. But shouldn't we let the...lovely couple know?"

Lorne just shrugged, "Go ahead if you really don't mind disturbing them."

Spike's face contorted into that of complete and total disgust, "No, thanks."

Throughout the entire day, Buffy's mind continually wandered back to her dream. She knew she worried her friends with her constant zoning out. But she knew her dream was more than just a mere dream; they always were.

And now, she was alone, Dawn was asleep and her friends were either in their room as well or in their own homes. She decided to step outside and sit on the porch. Perhaps star-gazing would pull her mind away from that dream. But she quickly chided herself for believing that. Nope, if anything, sitting alone on the porch would make her think harder about it.

As she stepped out, Buffy noticed a single red rose lying on the ground. Surprised, she bent down to pick it up. She sniffed the sweet rosy smell before looking abound to see if the person who place it there was still near. A slight rustle among the bushes had her attention. 

"Hello?" she called out, "Whoever you are, I know you're there, so you might as well just come out."

There was some more slight rustling before the figure stepped out.

"Spike?"

End Part Eight


	9. Part Nine

Part Nine

"Spike?" she asked weakly.

He nodded solemnly, "Yeah, it's me, luv."

She took a small hesitant step towards him. Encouraged, Spike took a step towards her. His heart almost sang when she didn't step backwards. Maybe he still had a change. Maybe...

"Where have you been?" she asked.

He continued to make his way toward her, "I had to leave after... I c-couldn't stay. Not after what I tried to do."

He was now close enough to see his bite mark. And, suddenly, he felt sick and he wasn't sure he could do this. He looked around helplessly, avoiding her eyes, "I should go. You don't need this. I...I never should have come back."

He tried to leave, but Buffy grabbed his arm, preventing him from doing so, "Spike, please."

He looked at her, waiting for her to continue.

"Spike, I don't want you to go."

"Why? Buffy, I tried to make you a midnight snack."

They both wince involuntarily at his description of the event. He ran a hand across her cheek tenderly, "Buffy, I love you so much. And I don't know if I can take this risk that I might hurt you again."

"But I want to. I wan to take that risk. I love you too much to just let you leave. I won't let you."

"How can you? I'm a vampire, love. And now, I don't have some chip in my head to keep me from hurting you. What I have is a demon under the surface, screaming for blood. Human blood. And I can't promise I'll be strong enough to resist it. If it's not you, it could be any of your friends, a stray victim on the street corner. Or *Dawn.* You may be willing to risk it, but I'm not."

"But isn't love one big risk?"

He almost laughed. She suddenly reminded him of Lorne and his big speech that finally convinced him to go back to Sunnydale in the first place.

"...because I want to risk it with you. I believe you're worth the risk. And-"

"You're right," Spike said.

She looked at him, seriously, "Of course, I'm right. I'm always ri-"

He cut her off with a kiss. He wrapped his arms around her waist and brought her closer. She went willingly, entangling her fingers in his platinum locks. Encouraged, Spike deepened the kiss, causing her to moan.

A few minutes later, they were interrupted.

"Don't you two ever come up for air?" a chuckling voice asked.

They broke apart instantly, both spinning towards the voice.

Another chuckle, "Oh, I see I'm mistaken. You do."

Buffy dropped into her defensive stance and Spike laughed.

"Relax, pet, it's just Lorne. And, anyway, you should be thanking him; he's the one that talked me into coming back."

"He's right about that one," Lorne said.

Buffy relaxed and turned to Spike, "You weren't going to come home?"

Great job, Spike chided himself, it's always a good thing to piss her off right after we made up...but, we'll just have to make up again...and that's always fun...oops, don't stray too far. He looked at Lorne, silently asking for his help. And he did.

"Now, now, kitten, let's not attack him. I'm sure he planned on returning. Am I right, Cheekbones?"

Or not.

Spike looked between the two of them, "Well, uh, of-of course-"

Buffy smiled, "Calm down, Spike, we're just funning ya."

She leaned in and kissed him again. She ended the kiss much too soon for his liking.

Buffy looked at Lorne, "So, you talked him into coming back, huh?"

"You betcha," he smiled.

She interlaced her arm with his and led him to her back door, "So, you've got to let me know how you convinced him, because I can't even convince him to wear something other than black."

Lorne laughed, "well, it wasn't easy..."  


Spike chuckled and followed them into the house.

Everything was going to be fine.

****

The End (Finally!)

****

Author's Notes: Well...that didn't go the way I originally intended. *shrugs* Oh, well.

Okay, let's see. First, I want to say how sorry I am that it took sooooooo long to finish this. But I have a VERY good explanation for that (actually several). School started. Marching season started (YEA! for us getting straight 1's from all three judges yesterday! :D ). My dog suffered from a herniated disk in his back and there was this whole thing where the vets weren't sure he'd recover from the surgery and regain the use of his legs. But, luckily, he did and now he's almost 100% again. :) So, yea, for that. And, quite frankly, I was just not getting into writing this. Personally, it wasn't one of my more fun stories to write. *shrugs* Oh, well...all that matters is that it's finally finished.

Also, if anyone is actually reading "The Fox and the Hound," I'm still writing it. But, just expect a completely different story than the one currently posted now. I'm doing a total revamp. Hehe, get it, "reVAMP". *sounds of crickets* O-kay, never mind. Anyway, it's no longer going to be a strict past fic. It'll be during Season Seven. Holmes and Dr. Watson are no longer involved in it; there will be different characters filling in their parts...

And, finally, since school's started and I'm a senior and I'm focusing on getting ready for college, don't expect regular posts from me. They'll be very sporadic. 


End file.
